So, tomorrow is the big day, I am not going to candy-coat that...it has been a tough couple wks. ...of waiting.. Some days I almost pretend I don't have cancer. Last Sunday Ben and I went out together, and had a "no cancer" day shopping. It worked...most the time. Except for that pit in my stomach, or the look I get from friends we run into. I finally said to someone the other day. I sware... I am going to be ok!!! I am sure I know how they feel... I recall being on the other side of this... not knowing what to say, crying like a baby b/c it was just heartbreaking. Now, it is me. So, I get it, I have been you... and I frankly wish I was you... holding my hand, sending me cards, praying, loving, laughing... being a friend. There are no words that can express how blessed I feel to have so many many people who care soo stinking much! It is overwhelming, and makes me ... well, cry like a baby. And that is just fine.
Most of you that know me know- I am a mom, first and foremost. It defines me. It always has. In college, I was voted most likely to be the best mom. You know why I remember that... b/c even back then I was proud of it. So, you can only imagine how it feels to answer the Doctors and Nurses when they ask me "Do you have any children? How old are they?" I normally take a slow breath, then answer..." seven and four." And no matter how many times I have answered this question ... I just can't make it to " four" without my voice cracking and a tear. I noticed at my latest visit- pre-admission testing... I saw where they were going with the questions, and I started to tear b/4 they ask. I can take the Cancer. (I didn't say I wanted it, I said I could take it... meaning I am going to kick the shit out of it.) I can take the mastectomy... the chemo, loosing my hair... (again, didn't say I wanted it... but it gives me my life back) But, what is the hardest.. it is the kids. We talked to the kids to let them know I was having surgery. The Cancer word was NOT part of the conversation. Our seven yr old is wise beyond his years, and of course is my sensitive one. Again, worry, concern for mom is NOT anything I want for him. I want him to run in the slip and slide, and have fun with his buddies. Our four yr old is silly, and sweet, she is young, and carefree. We explained Mommy wouldn't be able to do some of the things they are used too. I can't hug, I can't drive for a while, I will need their help. And I can't lift them. Bella our four year old looked stunned... "can't pick me up" she said? No, I explained... I can't lift much at all... it has to be really light. She looked at me confused? What about the mustard she said..... What? Is she for-real I am thinking... Mustard? Yes, she said, mustard. I reassured her that mustard was on the yes list, and I could lift the mustard. But Ben and I looked at each other and laughed. Even my sensitive 7 yr old shook his head and giggled at her. Kids are great. Tonight, Davidson our 7 yr old ask me if I will be able to go to the store after the surgery. I ask him why? He said, well, to get the things that we need. And I said, well, not right away. Then he went on to tell me, well, if you go, I will go with you and carry your purse, b/c mom, your purse is heavy and you shouldn't lift it. Very touching. Of course before the Chemo we will dive into the Cancer word with them both. But, if there is anything I have learned from this past month... it is one step at a time. Feels like I have traveled and taken many, many steps already with this disease, but tomorrow really is my first step in fighting it. I feel blessed, I feel loved, I feel amazed, and lifted up. Ben will post tomorrow- good news after surgery. Until then my friends hold each other, love each other, and keep praying. xoxoxo (and go get your mammogram)